I like to work. Hard. Out in the world of paid employment, I was never happy just working the standard 40 hours. I wanted more. I worked more. I like to have both my brain and hands busy. But then, when I landed that coveted job with the 24 hour, seven day a week schedule, Motherhood, I suddenly found myself fantasizing both for time off and helper monkeys.
Being a mom (or primary caregiver – dads count, too) is hard. It’s a great privilege, one I wouldn’t trade for anything, but being a mom is like being put on a never-ending chain gang working at the side of the highway. You can like it (it’s better than where you came from, after all), and it can be fun; heck, you even learn a lot if you pay attention. But the day in, day out drudgery can rob you of your personhood and drive you to locking yourself in the bathroom for five freaking minutes’ peace, all the while praying your kids stop screaming for you to come out and don’t drink bleach or run with a screwdriver while you are enjoying your self-imposed exile.
So, how to keep the fun and learning of parenthood while ditching at least some of the drudgery (and hanging on to your sanity)? There are grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles who’ll baby-sit. There are paid sitters, life coaches, housekeepers, yoga classes, massages, mother’s helpers, professional organizers, and classes at the local college to pursue outside interests. I’ve even heard you can go on dates with your spouse or significant other.
There are lots of resources. If you have money to spend, or doting family nearby, that is. What if you don’t? What if the closest grandma is a thousand miles away and finding out the going rate for a baby-sitter ($10-$11/hour for one stinking kid) is shocking enough to make you hyperventilate? To make matters more complicated, what if you are single, or have a spouse working so hard to put food on the table and a working car in the driveway that you only see each other for about two hours a day?
That’s me. No conveniently placed family. Not even enough money to hire a sitter so I could go to a movie. I have an amazing, wonderful husband who works two jobs and comes home long enough to change clothes and eat dinner before heading to the second job. How do people like me get the support and escape we need?
Here’s what has worked for me, and it basically falls into two categories: stuff I can get for free, and stuff I’m actually willing to shell out for.
First, the freebies:
1. I have a good friend who watches the kids once or twice a month so I can go to the doctor and occasionally have that date with my husband. She won’t take money. She’s not the only wonderful person out there willing to do something this nice, I just know it.
2. A friend told me the (free) key to her sanity was a nightly hour-long bath. I tried it, but it didn’t work for me, because my kids know how to pick the bathroom door lock. I bet it works great for others, though.
3. I read a lot on the internet. It isn’t as good as a real book, but I can find out almost anything I need to know.
4. When my kids were little, I joined an online parenting support group, which was great for those inevitable “Am I (or is my kid) crazy?” moments. It’s good to hear other parents are going through the same things. This online group also led to the opportunity for playdates, real life parental meet-ups, and meal and baby-sitting support during the time when I got so sick during my second pregnancy that I couldn’t get out of bed.
Now the stuff that isn’t free, but is pretty cheap, and worth it to me to pay for:
1. Once every month or two, I get together with a friend who lives nearby and we go to Starbucks and sit there until it closes, just talking about our own and other peoples’ nonsense. It feels so good to just waste space and do nothing but talk, without a kid climbing into my lap, or onto my shoulders, or begging me to take them to the bathroom, or worse, peeing their pants.
2. Once, I went to a hotel all by myself. That was the best “just-for-me” thing I’ve ever done. I just wrote and read and ate food I wanted. Hotel rooms can be pretty cheap if you use one of the online discount travel retailers – I never pay more than $40 for a hotel room of any quality unless I am going someplace really high demand. So, I meant to make this excursion once quarterly, and I figure $50 (including tax) quarterly, or $16.67 a month isn’t so much that I feel like I’m taking away important stuff from my kids.
3. I get a massage every other month. We can’t afford every month, but we joined a massage club, and my husband and I alternate months. We’re lucky because the massage is really cheap ($49 – cheap as massages go), and its effects are long-lasting. In most areas there are massage schools that probably do the job even cheaper. It is important to me to loosen muscle tension since among my primary job responsibilities is the need to function as a jungle gym, chair, and shepherd for three small children.
4. I buy books from Goodwill. I love to read, and I don’t really care what I read. It’d be great to be a literary snob, but I’ll take what Goodwill offers. I can learn something from any book. I can get five books for $10 – not bad. I could probably get them cheaper at yard sales, but then I’m tempted to buy delicious yard sale bargains, which would undermine my need for frugality. The library doesn’t work for me because I live in terror of my kids ruining a book I can’t afford to pay for.
5. Every once in a while, I meet my works-too-hard husband at the door when he gets home from work, tell him something like “the monsters are yours,” take the car keys, and drive. Not far, of course, because gas is too darned expensive. I drive to the drugstore around the corner, and look at the magazine racks. Sometimes I even buy a magazine and a soda (Yes, excess. I could have taken one from the fridge at home). Then I drive to a park and read until it gets too dark to see.
What I do works, to a point. But there are still all kinds of non-mommy needs that go unmet. And this is what I need to know about, to learn from you. How do you get your kids watched often enough to go to the dentist and the doctor in the same month, and maybe even go to a bookclub? How do you ease the drudgery of cleaning the house? Do you participate in a cleaning co-op? How does it work? How do you get over the dreadful feeling of inadequacy and worry that others will judge how (not) clean your house is? How do you fit in exercise? Do you go to church or something similar? Do you find support there? How do your prioritize? How do you articulate your goals? What methods do you employ to keep yourself sane, grounded, and happy?
